I still have brilliant thoughts and interesting comments and...okay, my head is filled with the same stupid crap yours is, but now my stupid crap can be found in short, 149-character bursts on Twitter.

Top Ten Reasons I'm Not Doing This Blog Anymore

               TOP TEN REASONS I'M NOT DOING THIS BLOG ANYMORE

10. blog stopped being even remotely interesting a long time ago

9. so desperate for ideas I stole this Top Ten bit from The Late Show with David Letterman

8. not blogging will give me more time to update people on Twitter about every little thing I do, say, eat, etc, etc

7. Dalai Lama threatened to sue if I didn’t stop using his quotes and turning them into parody - he's far more litigious than I would have thought

6. going to “test the waters” for a presidential bid

5. starting a new blog where I make every recipe in the Julia Child cookbook...what? it’s been done already? I did not know that

4. kind of disappointed Homeland Security only looked at my blog once - that I know of (inside joke)

3. taking summer off to follow Grateful Dead from city to city - Jerry Garcia’s dead? once again, I did not know that

2. instead of writing blog no one reads, will focus on writing novel no one will read

     and the number one reason I won’t do this blog anymore:

1.  I just don’t want to

No time to blog - all the monks from the Zenish monestary are scrambling to nearby states where fireworks are legal to stock up for the 4th of July blowout.

Remember, we are all Buddhas, we are all perfect. Which makes you wonder just how bad imperfect would look.

We all have the right to lead happy lives. But what if it makes me happy to make you unhappy? Ah, what a conundrum.

Embrace the emptiness. Hard to get your arms around that, isn't it?

It's a Monday. It's a rainy day. You do the math.

On the seventh day, the Zenish rested. We also rest Monday through Saturday but we like to make a big show of doing nothing on Sundays.

An open heart is an open mind. Well, not literally of course; they're two separate things. And just what is the mind exactly? Are the mind and the brain the same thing? I think the brain is a thing, but the mind is more of an idea, a concept, really. The brain is home to the mind and, like love and marriage, you can't  have one without the other. Or can you? Hmmmm. Food for thought. If you have a mind. Or a brain. Keep an open heart on the subject.

Time is an illusion. Or is it a delusion? Wait, what's the difference between illusion and delusion again? Oh. Those who think time is an illusion are delusional.

Can one become too enlightened? If so, what happens upon over-enlightenment? Spontaneous combustion? Boy, that would be cool, in a fiery hot sort of way.

To realize inner peace after a period of turmoil, know that behind every dark cloud is a silver lining, and behind every funnel cloud is a funnel cake.

Per the Dalai Lama on Twitter (yes, the Dalai Lama tweets), before we can meditate on compassion we must first moisten our minds with love. Uhmmm....what?

If you treat people as brothers and sisters, they will act accordingly. Mostly likely with bitter recriminations and extended periods of estrangement.

How can I find inner peace when last nights hot dogs with sport peppers are talking back to me?

We must remember that love and compassion are all we need. As well as the basic human needs of food, shelter, and clothing. And for those things we need money. Love, compassion, and money are all we need. And maybe a decent cup of coffee, no sugar, easy on the cream. You know what would go well with that coffee? Bacon. Actually, bacon goes well with everything, but in this case, bacon with two eggs, sunny side up. And some wheat toast. Good to scoop up that runny egg with. And let's not forget air conditioning. I can't sleep when it's too warm. And AC in the car as well. It's so uncomfortable to drive when it's hot out and you don't have AC. Sure, once upon a time we could sleep or drive around without air conditioning, but we're not cavemen anymore, are we? So, all we really need...

The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Unless in the past you died; then you really wouldn't have much of a present.

Let go of your preconceptions about yourself, everyone around you, where you live and work, etc. Replace them with significantly lowered expectations of all of the above. Expect nothing, receive what you expect, you will be happier.

I think not, therefore I am.

Practice mindfulness. Exist in this moment only. Yesterday's gone. Don't stop thinkin' about tomorrow, soon it will be here...wait a second...damn you, Fleetwood Mac!

Monday morning at the Zenish monastery already? Oooh, it's like Sunday never happened.

Does Instant Karma come in a decaffeinated package? Sometimes I want the Karma, I just don't want all that caffeine.

Be pure of heart. Or at least lie and say your heart is pure. Then deny when the truth is found out. The apologize, even if you don't mean it. Life is all about illusion, isn't it?

Be empty of mind.

The mind is an illusion. That's a problem. No, wait, I don't think that's right. The mind is a problem that is an illusion. This is all very problematical.

We have learned about the Three Treasures and now we are about to receive the Fourth Noble Truth, which gives us a map to the elimination of desire, and this map is called the Eightfold Path. Obviously, Buddha was a numerologist.

To eliminate suffering is the lesson of the Third Noble Truth. Eliminate desire, you eliminate suffering. We have all that we need already. Why desire more? Because my Faberge egg collection is a necessity, that's why. I get more eggs, no one suffers. Got it? Good. Lesson learned right there.

Now we know that to be human is to suffer, to feel dukkha. But why do we suffer? The second of the Four Noble Truths explains that suffering is caused by Desire, a Bob Dylan album from the mid-1970s. I guess some people suffer when they hear him sing, but to blame the suffering of all humanity on one guy from Hibbing, Minnesota seems a bit much. But who am I to argue?

The first of the Four Noble Truths is that all people experience suffering, known as dhukka. Dhukka can be summed up by the feeling you get on a summer Saturday morning trying to write a witty blog post that attempts to satirize self-help through semi-spirituality.

Let's talk about the Four Noble Truths. They are the core of the teachings, the heart of Dharma. "The Heart of Dharma." That would be a good name for one of those Lifetime romance movies. Now, what was I talking about again?

We complete our look at the Three Treasures with a brief mention of sangha, the word for the Buddhist/Zenish community. This community can be people of a like-mind, all the Zenish of the world, or all people in general. It can even include that child next door who, went not sleeping, is screaming as if he were being sacrificed, or the couple across street who spend many hours outdoors on their balcony in the nude. Really, put some clothes on already! I'm not seeing any treasures over there, so cover up!

Another of the Three Treasures are the Buddha's teachings, known as dharma, which reflect ultimate truth. Dharma? You can't handle dharma!

Let us begin to discuss the Three Treasures. One of the treasures, of course, is the Buddha himself. We can find a modicum of peace in knowing that each and every one of us has Buddha nature within. At least we like to think so. The reality is, most of us are more likely to be as Buddha Records: out of money, out of business, and, in a word, defunct. Or is it defunked?

The Zenish master and his prize student walked out of the monastery and headed down the path toward town. Each carried a small wreath made from flowers grown at the Zenish Monastery Bubba Ho-Tep Memorial Garden.

As the two walked along, passing from wooded area to farm to town, the student and master discussed and pondered and discussed some more.

"But Master," asked the student, "we Zenish sort of follow the Eightfold Path, do we not?"

"We do, sort of, yes," came the Master's reply.

"And the Eightfold Path speaks to us of purposeful living, does it not?"

"It do."

The student went quiet momentarily, puzzled by the Master's use of bad grammar. His mind could not always fathom the Master and his ways. The student shook his head slightly and returned his focus to the matter at hand.

"Master, if I may continue. One of the precepts of purposeful living is right action. And right action is nonviolent. We must never kill, Master."

"This is true," said the Master. "Why, whenever I shoot at the squirrels that dig in the Bubba Ho-Tep Garden and chew through the stalks of my tomato plants..." The voice of the Master drifted off as he grew angrier and angrier at the thought of those vermin destroying his hard work, but eventually the Master recovered his sense of peace and continued speaking. "As I was saying, whenever I shoot at the squirrels who bring havoc to the garden, I aim to miss, never to hit. It is never the goal of the Zenish to cause death." Then he muttered under his breath, "Once in a while death might be okay for a rat in a fancy costume."

"What was that last part, Master?"

"Oh, I was just commenting what a lovely day it is."

The student looked askance at the Master and said, "Yes, it is a lovely day. But please, Master, the question before us: How can we celebrate death when we advocate peace and nonviolence?"

As the two Zenish monks entered the town they could see the statue in the town square and quickened their pace in that direction.

The Master spoke. "We here, in this country, we are free to think our Zenish thoughts, such as they are, yes?"

"Yes," was the students reply.

"No one tells us how to think. And we are free to practice the ways of the Zenish, are we not?"

"Yes."

"And I am free to shoot squirrels, I mean shoot at them, without hitting them of course, merely frightening them, with my legally obtained high powered hunting rifle?"

"We have many freedoms, yes, Master. We have many freedoms here, unknown and even unheard of in many other lands."

The two robed figures slowed their pace and then stood before the towns statue. The sculpture, a representation of a soldier standing at ease but still gazing vigilantly into a never ending distance, was from long ago, from what they then called the Great War. Since then, there were many other times for men and women to take up arms, and the statue was dedicated to all those who served in the military. They stood for a minute or two until the master broke the silence.

"We have many things, including the right to disagree. Sometimes to guard against those who would take away our freedom to be Zenish, there are those who take up the sword on our behalf. It is sad that this must be done, but that is reality. And on Memorial Day, we do not praise the sword, or the bloodshed, but those willing to protect our way of life, even at the cost of their own."

"I think I understand now, Master."

The two lay down their wreaths, looked up at the eternally young doughboy, said a silent thank you, then turned to walk back to the monastery.

No brilliant thought today - Zenish writers waiting for Jim Nabors to sing "Back Home Again in Indiana" at Indy. When that happens, then we'll all know it really is Memorial Day weekend.

A holiday weekend is a good time to slow down the pace of your life. Listen to what the voice of your soul is telling you. No, no, no...ignore that stuff about killing squirrels with a high powered rifle...no, that's crazy talk...no, no, no you cannot plant small, squirrel-sized land mines in your garden...oh, good grief!

To walk between heaven and earth one must walk through the gateless gate. A gate without a gate isn't really a gate. It's nothing. And that's the point. Of something. I just forget what.

Rain provides a cleansing for the earth and it's inhabitants, a rebirth for all. After this continual, daily downpour though, you may be waterlogged and it might be a good idea to scrape that moss off your north side.

Rain falls. Water is purity. Unless it floods your basement, making things way less than pure.

We are all one with the universe. We are everything. Everything is us. And yet, our jeans still fit.

I think Zendo would be a good name for a child.

The Rapture Loot Party at the Zenish Monestary has been cancelled. There will still be a Happy Hour beginning at 5:00 at the Zenish Power of Positive Drinking Bar and Grill.

No Zenish thought for today...too busy preparing to burn and loot while others ascend to heaven during the Rapture.

The goal of spiritual practice is to become the friend of all beings. Each person a friend. And every one of them friending you on Facebook. Awesome.

It is important for the Zenish to build character, so therefore we must practice positive traits each day. Today, I will do my work honestly. Of course, honesty is a relative thing.

My understanding, if one can call it that, is that the Rapture will occur this coming Saturday. In honor of the Rapture, on Saturday night all bottled beers and mixed drinks will be half price at the Zenish Good Time Happy Fun Hour Bar and Lyndon Johnson Memorial Pool Hall. If there is no Rapture the breakfast buffet on Sunday will be free!

Stay focused on the path and...do I smell bacon?

The raft that carries you across the water to the far shore need not be clung to. Once you are on land, cast away the raft. It was filled with people who smelled bad and would not share a stick of gum, yet complained about your coffee breath.

There is pleasure and there is bliss. Forgo the first to possess the second. Or is it forgo the second to possess the first. Or am I supposed to forgo taking ecstasy to achieve total happiness? Where are my memory pills? Can't remember where I left them. Where am I?

Believe it and you will see it. But don't believe everything you see, and only half of what you hear.

Yesterday, I found the path to enlightenment. I felt immense joy in the fact that I was going to share this information with the world, and then there would be global peace and harmony. Unfortunately, yesterday and earlier today, Blogger was having some issues and writers couldn't post anything on their blogs. I forgot to make notes on how to become enlightened, thinking I would just remember it and post it when Blogger was working again. But I have a terrible memory. So now I've forgotten everything and I'm back to being just another unenlightened schlub living in an unenlightened world. Sorry.

All things are impermanent. Except permanent marker. You make a mark with that, it lasts forever and a day.

The effort of no effort is a great effort. That's why I never make an effort. Ah...I have attained Zenishness.

Without our doing anything spring arrives, bringing the allergens that line the path to suffering; such are the days of the Zenish.

The Tibetan poet Milarepa said, "Do not entertain hopes for realization, but practice all your life." Kind of how the Cubs look at their chances of ever being in the World Series.

The world is ruled by letting things take their course. That's better than me actually having to do something.

A flower falls, even though we love it; a weed grows, even though we do not love it; a squirrel digs in my garden, even though I fire at it with a high-powered rifle.

Suffering is caused by the destruction of life, and this destruction should be abstained from. The Zenish "religion" does make some exceptions as to when a life can be taken, and I think that exception is getting reacquainted with old friends and making new ones in hell by now.

The cessation of suffering is attainable. See your doctor for a prescription. Side effects may include, but not be limited to, sneezing, coughing, rectal bleeding, malaria, and hives. If an erection lasts more than 4 hours but less than 10, a trip to the emergency room is your call. Try the veal. Drive safely.

He who wants nothing from this world, and nothing from the next, he is free. He is also probably naked, starving, and homeless.

We shape clay into a pot, but we really want to shape the clay into enlightenment. We don't have the schematics on enlightenment, so we just keep making pots.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace. Those who inspire hateful thoughts surely better enjoy eternal heat. - Buddha?

"The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground". - Buddha

Uhmmm...what?

Being kind may be more important than being right, but if you can be right about something and rub in the other person's face in such a way that they hardly realize it until much later when you're too far away for them to hurt you, well, then you've got something going on.

That bright, shining orb, that fireball in the sky, so strange, yet so familiar...surely, all the days of every Buddha have passed and finally we have come to our end...oh, wait, that's just the sun. Been so long, forgot what it looks like.

To become Zenish means learning to see what is in front of you. Like that car stopped at the red light. You do not wish to become one with it.

Living in a Zenish paradox: It can be more tiring to do nothing at all than to do very little.

Be aware of your body. Yes, it's that thing sitting there at the far end of the couch. Right, the thing with the TV remote control in it's hand. Yes, that's right, that's your body. Be aware of it. You never know what it's not going to do.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney

It's kind fun-ish to do the possible. - Zenish philosophy

Each Easter Sunday, the ancient tradition is carried on. The Easter Bunny rises from his crypt, hitches up the reindeer to the Bunnymobile (really just an old sleigh bought at a flea market in New Hampshire) and flies to the Zenish monastery. Landing on the broad, green expanse of the front lawn, Big B (as the Easter Bunny likes to be called), hops out of the sleigh and sets to work. Carrying a giant, heavy sack over his shoulder, the Easter Bunny bounces around the monastery grounds and hides fried terducken wherever he can. When this is done, Big B climbs back on to the Bunnymobile, and, shouting, "Fly away, fly away all!" lifts off into the air, leaving nothing but the smell of sweaty reindeer in his wake.

Later, wired on caffeine and jelly bird eggs and armed to the teeth, all the monks and monks in training run throughout the area, shooting at anything that remotely resembles a terducken. There's no need to actually shoot the terducken, since they're already quite dead, but the monks enjoy firing their pistols and rifles. After a while, all the terducken, or what's left of it after being hit by numerous rounds from high powered firearms, is collected and feasted upon, washed down by bathtub gin, and a happy Easter is enjoyed by all.

When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. When the mind is impure, you will have uninvited house guests that never leave.

We all share the same desire for happiness. We just don't want our friends to be too much more happy than we are. Slightly less happy would be best really. But not sad. If they were too sad they would be a bummer to hang around.

The only quiet place is inside your soul. Except for my soul. Lots of screaming in there. Hey! Pipe down, I'm bloggin' here!

Per the Dalai Lama, we must all recognize the great capacity we have within. My great capacity is to eat my weight in sugar products on a daily basis.

Mushin. The state of no mind. Huh...hmmmn...I think I'm already there, padre.

No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place, unless it's the middle of freakin' April, in which case anywhere those damn snowflakes fall is the wrong freakin' place.

That is all. Peace out.

Those who know do not blog; those who blog do not know.

One of the Four Zenish Happinesses is to have brunch on the weekend.

What happens if you attach the Wheel of Life to the Car of Death?

The acquisition of worldly things will bring some happiness. Unless you have so many worldly things that you can't really move freely in your house anymore and your family and friends have to stage an intervention which is recorded for that cable show about hoarders so all the world can see what a nut job you are.

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, but if you have a couple of really good lights, you won't need all those freakin' candles.

Appreciate the sun, breathe deep the cool spring air, feel the glory of your mediocrity: that is Zenishness.

According to the Zenish calendar, the second Monday in April is Irish-up Your Coffee Day.

Random koan:

I was twenty minutes late to meet my wife for lunch.

"Why are you so late?" she asked.

"I'm not late," I replied. "I'm on Zenish time."

She stood and punched me in the nose.

"Thank you." I wiped the blood from my face, smiled and said, "Let us eat now."

Ancient Zen proverb: The instant you speak about a thing, you miss the mark.

Our Congressmen prove that every day.

It's Buddha's birthday today, maybe, depending on what you choose to believe. So, just what do you get the deity that has everything?

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. Two words can sometimes cause a fistfight.

The road to Zenishness is paved with lowered expectations.

Try not, fail not.

Zenish thinking on money: Save a little, spend a little, send a little directly to me.

To think clearly, you must first clear the mind. Just don't erase anything permanently.

Live simply, laugh loudly, love fully, drink heavily.

Three Treasures, Four Noble Truths, Five Precepts, Eightfold Path. That’s a lot of numbers that add up to a lot of reading. We Zenish don’t much like reading none, least not when The Price is Right is on. Heck, there’s only Ten Commandments, and those are all one-liners. I think. Anyway, a one-liner sounds good. Brevity is the soul of Zenishness. So, let’s sum all that noble precept stuff up in to one Big Helpful Hint On How to Live:

Don’t be a dickhead.

Four simple words (five if you’re anti-contraction) that should get you through life relatively smoothly.

Spring returns, there is rebirth. And now you can see all the dog poop that was hidden by the snow.

Say it loud, I'm Zenish and I'm proud!

Illusion is quite often better than the reality of any given situation, although sometimes the reality isn't so bad. The right path may be to combine the two, and live in reallusion. Or perhaps illeallity. Whatever.

There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it. Conversely, there must be good so that the evildoers realize what a great time they're having.

Water which is too pure has no fish. Generally speaking, it doesn't have radiation either.

The greatest victory goes to one who can conquer himself. Of course, with NATO support and a no-fly zone I could conquer myself quite easily.

It is Zenish to realize that not getting what you want may be a wonderful stroke of luck or just a sign that you're really not good at getting what you want.

To err is human. To err, then meditate upon your problems but not really do anything to solve them is Zenish. To err, then commit the same errors over and over again is Democratic. To err, then try to profit from the error while blaming the Democrats is Republican.

Zenish physical fitness: Body and mind must work together. With your mind you are jogging mile after mile. With your body you are eating bacon strip after bacon strip. Thus, you are fit, Zenishly speaking.

Much in life is illusion - seems like something, but it's nothing, like the illusion that what Charlie Sheen says makes any sense at all. Sounds like something, but it means nothing.

I've got nothing. I've reached deep down inside and there is nothing. For today. Tomorrow may be another story. Or not.

The Buddha said we are shaped by our thoughts. Why then are so many of us pear shaped? Are there that many humans thinking about pears?

Buddha says, "Love that Good & Plenty."

The Buddha said: Let the wise guard their thoughts. I guard mine with tin foil.

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to the truth: not going all the way, and not starting. Also, littering. Littering along the road to the truth is bad. So, really, three mistakes: not starting, not finishing, and littering. And don't pick up hitchhikers near the prison. Okay, four mistakes...

Zenishism: Show compassion for all, be a sucker for no one.

Zenish proverb: Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. And if tomorrow never comes then you get out of doing stuff entirely.

The Dalai Lama tells us that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness through training of the mind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pour myself another glass of a training tool I'm using.

The Buddha said that a person should, "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others." Although he did recommend this blog as a useful tool to carry on the road to enlightenment. Or did the Buddha say I was a useless tool? I don't recall exactly, the memory is a bit murky.

Life is suffering. In death there is no suffering. Of course, there's not much life in it either.

Cable television is very Zen-ish. Two-hundred-fifty channels and there's nothing on. It seems like something, but really, it's nothing.

Peace is your natural state. It is the mind, and that gun you're holding to my head, that obstructs the natural state.

For the time of Lent, the Zen-ish give up nothing, which really means something.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace. What about those like, say, uhmm, a friend of mine, who has thoughts of black helicopters following him and is absolutely positive that Free Masons run the World Bank? Will I, I mean he, find peace?

Blogging about Zen-ish all the time is like looking for fish tracks in a dry riverbed.

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." - the Dalai Lama.

I really don't think I need to add anything to this.

Ts'ai Ken T'an said, "Water which is too pure pure has no fish." And I say, "Water that is too shallow will not sufficiently hide the dead mobster's body."

You meditate quiet and I'll mediate quieter, you be Zen and I'll be Zenner, tonight we're settin' the woods on fire.

What if there are no answers inside of us? What if there is only an infinite series of ever more difficult questions? Wow. Think about that. Heavy, dude.

When you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing. Not easy to do, never a step stool to be found on top of a mountain or anything like that, and rarely is there a ladder; no where to prop a ladder anyway, since you're already at the peak, but still, try your best.

I may have gone all Zenish and whatnot, but sometimes I still want to throw my beer bottle at the television.

Icy days and Mondays: Today is an -ish day.

Some days you feel more Zen, some days you feel more -ish. I think today is a Zen day.

The Buddha said that there are three things that cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon, and that thing on Donald Trump's head. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what the Buddha said.

Yesterday, I was close to a clear mind. Of course, if you realize how close you are, then the reality is you are nowhere near.

The middle path is the path to follow. Thus, while delusion clouds our reality, our reality may not be a bowl of freakin' cherries (which would be a good name for an all girrrrl rock band). So, follow the middle path and mix reality with a little delusion. That blend should get you through another day.

According to the scholar Thrangu Rinpoche, the union of wisdom and emptiness is the essence of Buddha-nature. What could be more Zen-ish than empty wisdom?

To paraphrase the Dalai Lama, the ability to distinguish right from wrong is one of the highest human attributes. The Dalai Lama doesn't come right out and say it, but humans aren't the only beings on this earth who can distinguish right from wrong. Cats also know right from wrong, they just don't care.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but the Diamond Sutra is a girl's best friend. Disappointingly, the Diamond Sutra is not about diamonds or how to obtain them at the lowest possible cost to oneself. On the plus side though, the Diamond Sutra does stress the value of the Middle Path, avoiding extremes of mental attachment, which can obviously be harmful, especially if you're very attached to the idea of robbing a jewelry store.

The weather in the unnamed distant yet near country in which the monastery was located was suffering from multiple personalities. One day there was a blizzard, the next day it was warm and sunny and half the snow melted, followed by a day of sleet and high winds and so forth and so on. Scientifically based or not, many monks, student and master alike, held the belief that this was illness inducing weather. Some held the belief because of what they had been told over their lifetime, others held the belief based on the fact that they got sick whenever the weather was like this.

One student, with symptoms of the flu, came to his master for advice. The student was pale and nauseous, slightly hunched over with stomach cramps, and alternated between being chilly and being hot and sweaty.

"Master, what wisdom do you have for me? How can I make my reality whole and healthy again, so that I can return to my studies and participate in my chores?"

The master reflected upon this request for a few moments, standing still and gazing without expression into the face of his student. Finally, he spoke. "My son, do you really know what your reality is?"

"I think that I do, master," was his reply.

"Have you meditated? Meditate and you will find the reality you seek. The illness you now perceive as reality is mere delusion.  Meditate and reality will reveal itself. Through meditation you find your reality and I find mine."

The student paused, thought for a moment and then, though he tried not to, vomited upon his masters feet.

"Okay," said the master, "that's a reality for both of us."

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. Or quite possibly, by your wife.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. And if you are patient and observant in one moment of anger, you will be able to catch the object of your anger off guard and subsequently kick his ass.

Alright, okay, I've got one for ya. A priest, a rabbi, and a Zen master walk into a bar. The Zen master has a duck under his arm. The duck says to the bartender...no, no, no, wait, wait, the bartender says to the duck, "Change comes from within." No, no, that's the punchline to a different joke. Hold on, this is it: The priest says to the hot dog vendor sitting at the bar, "Make me one with everything." No, that's not right, either. Give me a minute here, I'll get this straightened out.

The student looked pleadingly at the Zen master. "Please, master, I have been studying for years, and yet, I feel no farther along the path than when I started."

The Zen master looked at his student and was touched by his distress. "Alright," he said, "To help you, I will speak forthrightly about the secret of focus, on being present in the moment."

"Thank you, master. Please, share your secret with me."

The Zen master drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. His eyes narrowed slightly and he seemed to have a glowing aura of wisdom about him. After what seemed an eternity the master finally spoke.

"When I'm walking, I'm walking; when I'm eating, I'm eating; when I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping."

The student at first said nothing, assuming there was more wisdom to come forth from the lips of the master. When there was none, the student spoke.

"Wait, that's it?"

The Zen master nodded.

"You've got to be kidding me. I do that every freakin' day."

"But do you do it with purpose?"

"Well, duh," the student replied. "When I'm walking, I do it with the purpose of getting somewhere. When I eat, I do it with the purpose of nourishing myself. When I sleep, it is for the purpose of refreshing myself. So yes, I do these things with purpose."

The master thought a moment, then said, "You know, you have more wisdom than your appearance would indicate. How would you like to be a master? I'm thinking about retiring, maybe moving to one of those communities in Florida I hear so much about. You could run this place when I leave."

"Is there any money in it?" the student inquired.

"No," the master replied, "but you do get a cool robe. And the chicks in the village dig a Zen master."

"You know, that sounds like a good deal."

And so, the student became the master. And the master became a retiree who plays golf every day and enjoys the early bird special at the local cafe.

A monk asked the Zen Master Kempo where the one path to nirvana was. Kempo held up a stick and drew a line in the air.

"So," the monk said, "rather than walk to nirvana, I should take a plane?"

Master Kempo simply walked away.

"What is this?" the befuddled master asked his student.

The student had walked into the Zen masters living quarters and presented him with an envelope containing a card.

"Master, it is my Valentine's Day card to you."

The master peered at the card, turned it over, looked at each side. Finally, he said, "The card is blank."

"Yes, master. It states nothing but means everything."

The master smiled and nodded. He knew the student had been paying attention to the master's teachings. The student bowed and took his leave, and with that the master threw the card in the fireplace, shook his head and grinned slightly. "Numbnuts," he muttered under his breath.

"You can never notice your own enlightenment." Nishijima Sensei

But if I don't know I have it how can I flaunt it in front of my friends and possibly write a book or three about how to find it? What about my blog, damn it, what about my blog?!?!

Those who can do Zen, do. Those who cannot do Zen, teach. Those who cannot do Zen and cannot teach Zen, can still become Zen-ish.

The student asked this of his teacher, "Is there really such a thing as heaven and hell?

"Often, they are the same place at the same time."

"But, teacher, how can that be?"

"Have you been to Wrigley Field?" queried the teacher of his baseball loving student.

"Of course, teacher, many times."

"Then you know that an afternoon at Wrigley can be heaven. Before the game begins you are a witness to paradise. The blue of the sky, the green of the grass, the sunny warmth of the air. It is heaven."

"Yes, teacher, it is indeed heaven. But when does it become hell?"

"When the Cubs take the field."

Emptiness must not be confused with nothingness. Emptiness is not non-existence and is not non-reality. Therefore, we must ask ourselves, is my beer mug half empty or is it half full of nothingness?

Through meditation I have finally cleared my mind. So clear, so very crystal clear, that my mind is a vast sea of nothingness. So clear in fact, that I forgot to write a post for Tuesday. Ah, clarity! Where am I? What's my name? What's going on here?

Pursue clarity for a healthy mind and a healthy body. Meditation for the mind and fiber for the body.

The Master and his students were sitting in their man cave at the monastery watching the endless hours of pregame shows before the Super Bowl was to begin. "Master," one of the students, a dimwitted boy-child from the nearby foothills, asked, "do the pregame shows really lead us on the path to enlightenment?"

The Master did not speak for what seemed like an eternity, but was really only a few seconds of commercial television time. Finally, the Master spoke. "There is clarity to be found in the fog of blather that knows no boundaries of time. Let the pass-rush defense babble and the yap-yap about terrible towels be ceaseless until you yourself feel suspended in time and space."

Hearing that the dimwitted one stared at the crackling flames of the fireplace, then spoke again. "This time-space thingy you speak of, this will push us farther along the path, Master?" The teacher nodded. "And you, Master, being further along the path than we are, will you be that much closer to enlightenment?"

"Yes, but only if the Packers cover the spread."

The path to the end of suffering is a middle path, neither extreme self-deprivation nor extreme indulgence. That means you can have your chocolate and eat it too. Just not too much of it.

The third of the Four Noble Truths is that the end of suffering is attainable. This is done by simply removing the cause of suffering. Just hope that you're not the cause of suffering to someone or else you might be removed. You know, the way they "removed" people on The Sopranos. If you know I'm sayin'.

Q. Would the Buddha shovel snow?

A. No, of course not. The Buddha had people to do that crap for him. Yet, we are all filled with the Buddha spirit, so yes, the Buddha would shovel snow.

The Zen-ish Monestery Learning Cultural Center Temple Pub and Grille is closed today because of blizzard conditions. There are five foot drifts of f*!#ing snow on the temple grounds and it took me an hour and a half to dig out my f*!#ing car. Just me and a shovel. Where's the Dalai Lama when you need him?

There are a number of precepts to help you live a Zen-ish life, one of which is continual awareness. For instance, I am continually aware of where the nearest donut shop is as the path to enlightenment is truly a path of sugary goodness.

Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Good luck building a house with that concept.

'80s Flashback Sunday: I'm pretty sure the Culture Club hit song "Karma Kameleon" was not really about karma at all. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what the heck it was about.

One of the precepts of living a Zen-ish and ethical life is to abstain from harming living beings. But let's face it, some living beings do deserve a good beat down once in a while.

The First Noble Truth is the Truth of Suffering. Suffering sucks. That's the truth.

The goalless goal is the goal, but if you aim for this goal you will not achieve it because you cannot achieve a goal by aiming at it, because that defeats the purpose.

Perceptions are meaningless, as they are illusions that cause suffering. The only perception that is really important is my perception of you. That, you need to worry about.

One of the tenets of the Eightfold Path is right speech, which encourages us not to lie, speak meanly or command the attention of others. If we all learn to practice right speech, with hard work we can eliminate politics in our time.

Equation for enlightenment: add the Three Treasures to the Four Noble Truths, subtract the Eightfold Path, divide by the square root of 7, which was the Buddha's lucky number. Take that sum, put it in an e-mail to 25 people, request that each person pass it on to at least 25 other people. When that task is accomplished you will attain Nirvana. Or something Nirvana-ish. Or nothing at all, which, Zen-ishly speaking, is just as good as something.

The Dalai Lama just called me. He's rooting for the Bears. True story.

To truly care you need to move beyond caring. Personally, I don't care at all, which proves how much I really, truly care. Really, truly I do.

A Zen-ish mind, full of ideas, the blog thrives; an empty mind, devoid of thought, the blog suffers.

The Wheel of Life teaches us the path to liberation; it's called the Wheel of Life because all we ever do is run around in circles.

I really need a Bodhisattva to take me by the hand; perhaps he could show me the shine of his Japan and the sparkle of his China.

If it weren't for bad karma I wouldn't have no karma at all.

Be like the trees, which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be like this, it too will have bird poop on it.

Got some new dharma wheels for my ride and they are sweet. I can burn rubber on the road to enlightenment!

When an ordinary man gains knowledge, he is a sage; when a sage gains understanding, he is an ordinary man; when you use sage in your turkey dressing, it turns ho-hum into spectacular!

For a bear to successfully engage a seahawk, the bear must exist in the moment and not look forward to events that he may never be a part of.

My decision is to be indecisive.

I know this Zen business is supposed to make me all relaxed and whatnot, but if this dvd player doesn't starting working right, I'm going to fling it off the balcony.

Shunryu Suzuki wrote "Life is like stepping into a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink." Cheerful fellow, that Suzuki. Life of the party, he was.

Everyday life is the way. Mostly because you can't live only every other day. Tried it, doesn't work. Time is, like, just so linear, you know?

Where there is great doubt, there will be a great awakening; small doubt, small awakening; no doubt, no awakening, and where there is No Doubt, there will be music.

Regarding reincarnation, it was the Buddha that said, "When the dirt nap begins, so too does the next life cycle."

Each moment is transitory, like the waves of the ocean - real for a moment, then gone. And just like the oceans waves, each one of our moments is oil slicked and highly flammable.

Is there really such a thing as nothing?

No seed ever sees the flower. The seed has to live it's life in dirt as well. Kind of like that guy who hosts TMZ.

Just let it go.

Let what go?

You know.

It.

To truly see your reality detach yourself from it, but don't become so detached that you started wearing aluminum foil helmets to keep "them" from hearing your thoughts. I tried, it doesn't work. They can hear right through aluminum. Copper mesh, that's the way to go.

One clear mind is worth two in the bush.

Every day can be New Year's Day, a day of fresh starts,  free of yesterdays.

Okay, not so much with the funny, more Zen than -ish. Flippancy and a general disregard for everything will return tomorrow.