Icy days and Mondays: Today is an -ish day.

Some days you feel more Zen, some days you feel more -ish. I think today is a Zen day.

The Buddha said that there are three things that cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon, and that thing on Donald Trump's head. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what the Buddha said.

Yesterday, I was close to a clear mind. Of course, if you realize how close you are, then the reality is you are nowhere near.

The middle path is the path to follow. Thus, while delusion clouds our reality, our reality may not be a bowl of freakin' cherries (which would be a good name for an all girrrrl rock band). So, follow the middle path and mix reality with a little delusion. That blend should get you through another day.

According to the scholar Thrangu Rinpoche, the union of wisdom and emptiness is the essence of Buddha-nature. What could be more Zen-ish than empty wisdom?

To paraphrase the Dalai Lama, the ability to distinguish right from wrong is one of the highest human attributes. The Dalai Lama doesn't come right out and say it, but humans aren't the only beings on this earth who can distinguish right from wrong. Cats also know right from wrong, they just don't care.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but the Diamond Sutra is a girl's best friend. Disappointingly, the Diamond Sutra is not about diamonds or how to obtain them at the lowest possible cost to oneself. On the plus side though, the Diamond Sutra does stress the value of the Middle Path, avoiding extremes of mental attachment, which can obviously be harmful, especially if you're very attached to the idea of robbing a jewelry store.

The weather in the unnamed distant yet near country in which the monastery was located was suffering from multiple personalities. One day there was a blizzard, the next day it was warm and sunny and half the snow melted, followed by a day of sleet and high winds and so forth and so on. Scientifically based or not, many monks, student and master alike, held the belief that this was illness inducing weather. Some held the belief because of what they had been told over their lifetime, others held the belief based on the fact that they got sick whenever the weather was like this.

One student, with symptoms of the flu, came to his master for advice. The student was pale and nauseous, slightly hunched over with stomach cramps, and alternated between being chilly and being hot and sweaty.

"Master, what wisdom do you have for me? How can I make my reality whole and healthy again, so that I can return to my studies and participate in my chores?"

The master reflected upon this request for a few moments, standing still and gazing without expression into the face of his student. Finally, he spoke. "My son, do you really know what your reality is?"

"I think that I do, master," was his reply.

"Have you meditated? Meditate and you will find the reality you seek. The illness you now perceive as reality is mere delusion.  Meditate and reality will reveal itself. Through meditation you find your reality and I find mine."

The student paused, thought for a moment and then, though he tried not to, vomited upon his masters feet.

"Okay," said the master, "that's a reality for both of us."

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. Or quite possibly, by your wife.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. And if you are patient and observant in one moment of anger, you will be able to catch the object of your anger off guard and subsequently kick his ass.

Alright, okay, I've got one for ya. A priest, a rabbi, and a Zen master walk into a bar. The Zen master has a duck under his arm. The duck says to the bartender...no, no, no, wait, wait, the bartender says to the duck, "Change comes from within." No, no, that's the punchline to a different joke. Hold on, this is it: The priest says to the hot dog vendor sitting at the bar, "Make me one with everything." No, that's not right, either. Give me a minute here, I'll get this straightened out.

The student looked pleadingly at the Zen master. "Please, master, I have been studying for years, and yet, I feel no farther along the path than when I started."

The Zen master looked at his student and was touched by his distress. "Alright," he said, "To help you, I will speak forthrightly about the secret of focus, on being present in the moment."

"Thank you, master. Please, share your secret with me."

The Zen master drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. His eyes narrowed slightly and he seemed to have a glowing aura of wisdom about him. After what seemed an eternity the master finally spoke.

"When I'm walking, I'm walking; when I'm eating, I'm eating; when I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping."

The student at first said nothing, assuming there was more wisdom to come forth from the lips of the master. When there was none, the student spoke.

"Wait, that's it?"

The Zen master nodded.

"You've got to be kidding me. I do that every freakin' day."

"But do you do it with purpose?"

"Well, duh," the student replied. "When I'm walking, I do it with the purpose of getting somewhere. When I eat, I do it with the purpose of nourishing myself. When I sleep, it is for the purpose of refreshing myself. So yes, I do these things with purpose."

The master thought a moment, then said, "You know, you have more wisdom than your appearance would indicate. How would you like to be a master? I'm thinking about retiring, maybe moving to one of those communities in Florida I hear so much about. You could run this place when I leave."

"Is there any money in it?" the student inquired.

"No," the master replied, "but you do get a cool robe. And the chicks in the village dig a Zen master."

"You know, that sounds like a good deal."

And so, the student became the master. And the master became a retiree who plays golf every day and enjoys the early bird special at the local cafe.

A monk asked the Zen Master Kempo where the one path to nirvana was. Kempo held up a stick and drew a line in the air.

"So," the monk said, "rather than walk to nirvana, I should take a plane?"

Master Kempo simply walked away.

"What is this?" the befuddled master asked his student.

The student had walked into the Zen masters living quarters and presented him with an envelope containing a card.

"Master, it is my Valentine's Day card to you."

The master peered at the card, turned it over, looked at each side. Finally, he said, "The card is blank."

"Yes, master. It states nothing but means everything."

The master smiled and nodded. He knew the student had been paying attention to the master's teachings. The student bowed and took his leave, and with that the master threw the card in the fireplace, shook his head and grinned slightly. "Numbnuts," he muttered under his breath.

"You can never notice your own enlightenment." Nishijima Sensei

But if I don't know I have it how can I flaunt it in front of my friends and possibly write a book or three about how to find it? What about my blog, damn it, what about my blog?!?!

Those who can do Zen, do. Those who cannot do Zen, teach. Those who cannot do Zen and cannot teach Zen, can still become Zen-ish.

The student asked this of his teacher, "Is there really such a thing as heaven and hell?

"Often, they are the same place at the same time."

"But, teacher, how can that be?"

"Have you been to Wrigley Field?" queried the teacher of his baseball loving student.

"Of course, teacher, many times."

"Then you know that an afternoon at Wrigley can be heaven. Before the game begins you are a witness to paradise. The blue of the sky, the green of the grass, the sunny warmth of the air. It is heaven."

"Yes, teacher, it is indeed heaven. But when does it become hell?"

"When the Cubs take the field."

Emptiness must not be confused with nothingness. Emptiness is not non-existence and is not non-reality. Therefore, we must ask ourselves, is my beer mug half empty or is it half full of nothingness?

Through meditation I have finally cleared my mind. So clear, so very crystal clear, that my mind is a vast sea of nothingness. So clear in fact, that I forgot to write a post for Tuesday. Ah, clarity! Where am I? What's my name? What's going on here?

Pursue clarity for a healthy mind and a healthy body. Meditation for the mind and fiber for the body.

The Master and his students were sitting in their man cave at the monastery watching the endless hours of pregame shows before the Super Bowl was to begin. "Master," one of the students, a dimwitted boy-child from the nearby foothills, asked, "do the pregame shows really lead us on the path to enlightenment?"

The Master did not speak for what seemed like an eternity, but was really only a few seconds of commercial television time. Finally, the Master spoke. "There is clarity to be found in the fog of blather that knows no boundaries of time. Let the pass-rush defense babble and the yap-yap about terrible towels be ceaseless until you yourself feel suspended in time and space."

Hearing that the dimwitted one stared at the crackling flames of the fireplace, then spoke again. "This time-space thingy you speak of, this will push us farther along the path, Master?" The teacher nodded. "And you, Master, being further along the path than we are, will you be that much closer to enlightenment?"

"Yes, but only if the Packers cover the spread."

The path to the end of suffering is a middle path, neither extreme self-deprivation nor extreme indulgence. That means you can have your chocolate and eat it too. Just not too much of it.

The third of the Four Noble Truths is that the end of suffering is attainable. This is done by simply removing the cause of suffering. Just hope that you're not the cause of suffering to someone or else you might be removed. You know, the way they "removed" people on The Sopranos. If you know I'm sayin'.

Q. Would the Buddha shovel snow?

A. No, of course not. The Buddha had people to do that crap for him. Yet, we are all filled with the Buddha spirit, so yes, the Buddha would shovel snow.

The Zen-ish Monestery Learning Cultural Center Temple Pub and Grille is closed today because of blizzard conditions. There are five foot drifts of f*!#ing snow on the temple grounds and it took me an hour and a half to dig out my f*!#ing car. Just me and a shovel. Where's the Dalai Lama when you need him?

There are a number of precepts to help you live a Zen-ish life, one of which is continual awareness. For instance, I am continually aware of where the nearest donut shop is as the path to enlightenment is truly a path of sugary goodness.